So I've removed alot of posts because after reading them I feel like they aren't beneficial to me or anyone else. I'm leaving the first one though, as a reminder to myself just how ugly and dark my thoughts can be and that no matter how bad I feel some days, I still am not that angry or tired.
Since my last post I feel like I'm at least a little happier and healthier. I don't think about hurting myself anymore, I'm not tempted to just turn into oncoming traffic, and I don't have an unhealthy obsession with reading medical journals on failed suicide attempts looking for both pointers on how to do it right and reasons not to do it at all. I'm not seeing my therapist anymore. We both agreed that the problems I do have at this point are things that I really am going to have to confront but that I'm the one who will have to do it. For anyone who is curious about what you do in therapy, for me what I mostly did was cry. I cried about my parents, I cried about the situations that I'm in and I cried just for the sake of crying. I told her things about myself that I couldn't tell anyone else because no matter how much you love and trust someone, I think there are things that everyone knows about themselves that they don't say out loud. I never really had a huge breakthrough where I ran around yelling "I'm cured! I'm sane again!" because I don't think that realistically happens for most people. I'm still not taking anti-anxiety medication, but I learned that I just need to take some time to myself to simply breathe when I get really worked up about things. I don't have as many panic attacks because I've learned that winding myself up over things I can't control isn't good for me or the people around me. I try to make a point of looking at myself inside and out and thinking "It's alright to be this way. I'm an over-thinker, and sometimes I need to loosen up but at least I have a brain that I can use."
Not to say that I'm all happy go lucky or anything, I still have my days where I'm a holy terror even to myself. I suppose I would say that I feel as normal as I can be, which for anyone that knows me knows that that's nowhere near normal but it's at least a good place to be. I can smile and mean it again, and when I laugh it isn't forced and dry. I think that was the worst part about that year. I love to laugh, and I love being around people who make me laugh, and to have to fake it was so exhausting. Things that would normally send me into fits of giggles or leave me unable to even breathe were just kinda meh. I mean Laddergoat didn't even make me laugh anymore and if you don't know what that is you need to stop reading and watch this right fucking neeowwww. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ggB33d0BLcY . Ohhhh god now my stomach hurts from laughing xD.
You know what made me really think about writing this update and made me realize just how much better I feel? I have been enjoying Christmas music. I mean granted, when it started playing a week before Halloween I grumbled about it like everyone else but now that it actually is December I find myself working on something and singing "I'll Be Home For Christmas" and "The Christmas Can Can" and I dare someone to say something about it. "It's Christmas bitch, get in the spirit before I smack you with this fake holly!"
I want to say something too right here at the end for the people who have been there for me whether they were aware of my issues or not. Thank you so very much for being patient with me, and if you weren't patient with me I totally understand and I want to thank you for giving me the opportunity to be back in your life again. I'm also sorry that I let alot of you down. I know I wasn't there for some of you when you needed me, and I know that I had my own problems to deal with but that doesn't really make me feel any better or make up for the fact that when I was needed I couldn't give what I should have. I kind of had to pool my resources within myself to try and heal some wounds that I didn't even really know I had until I started looking, and that didn't leave alot left for anyone else. I don't regret doing it because it was necessary, but I do regret any hurt feelings that came out of it.
Sooooo yea.......... I kinda ran out of words to say so I guess that's my cue to shut my trap until New Year's when I will try to write again. I think this would be good for me, getting my thoughts out into the universe. It's something to reflect upon, and I think everyone should have something they can look back at and think "Hmmm am I still like that? Yes or No, Is that a good thing? What have I changed and what should I change?" It's just alot of little thoughts like that that make up my day to day. I'm still working on it though....... but Laddergoat, you still so random and at least I can appreciate you again.
You still love me right Laddergoat??!?
"NEEEEHHHHHHHHH"
Good! Let's go glide up that ladder and then laugh til we pee our pants ok?
"NEEEHHH"
Oh..... that's right you don't wear pants.......hmm Well what if I buy you some pants to wear just for the occasion?
"NEEEHHHHH"
Ugh, yes I'll buy you the My Little Pony ones if you insist. But if someone shows up I don't know you! The last thing I need is the rumor going around that I'm hanging out with a brony goat. Deal?
"NEHH"
Sweet! Let's go!
Have a Happy Christmas Folks, and if the world ends this month due to zombies I hope you stay safe and that you don't shoot me for my bullets and med kit.(Yes I have a med kit SHUT UP)
~Claire
