Repost from the Past (Cue Dr. Who Theme)

In the winter of 2011 I went through a very deep depression, during which I wrote a series of blogs.  They weren't funny and they weren't meant to be something people could read and smile at.  I was trying to express what I was feeling in a way that was something I could see and feel, and blogging was what gave that to me.  I have since deleted all of them, but I still have one saved and I'm going to repost it now.  Why? Because I'm damn proud of the anger I was able to convey in one blogpost, and even though I'm not at a point where I can really pull that kind of anger out of myself anymore it inspires me to know that even when I'm at my worst I am still eloquent as fuck. xD

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Thursday, February 10, 2011

Tired...

You know, I used to think of myself as hopeful. I used to think that there was some purpose to everything and that in reality even bad people were good at times. Then I started to grow up. I started to realize that the bad guys didn't become the good guys when we needed them to like in the movies. I started realizing that people who we grow up thinking are there to help us, really aren't the heroes we think they are. I actually started to look at what was going on around me instead of being focused only on my immediate surroundings. As I grow older I start to see that our world is a place of pain and misery and the few bright moments in our short lives are hardly worth the effort we put into making them happen. We are ruled by greed and jealousy and our blood becomes more and more poisoned with anger every day. It isn't time that ages our bodies and steals our lifeforce, it's despair. Every day we wake up and look out at the sky and wonder if there is something more, and yet deep down we all know that there isn't. Eventually something inside of us just snaps under the pressure of nothingness and we just stop existing. But we get up anyway, brush our teeth wash our face and walk out the door to face another meaningless day. I do the same thing. I wake up, look at the sunrise, sigh, and then get ready for work. I walk out the front door and take a deep breath of morning air and hope to the God I know doesn't exist that today will be better. That today something will happen so I can justify getting out of bed tomorrow. The scary part is that none of this really bothers me. Living in constant monotony and hopelessness has become part of our culture and we accept it. Some people will say different. I have been told time and time again that there is a purpose and that we are all special like little snowflakes and our lives mean something. You hear people talk about a high and powerful god that is orchestrating the entire history and future. I wish I could believe that. Oh how easy it would be to just give everything over to the idea that as long as you do the right things in life it will count for something. String theory says that we are all connected. One life to another, one action responsible for a series of actions. This doesn't explain the reason behind it though. Why are we subject to another person's destiny when in the end there will always be the same outcome. Death comes to all of us in the end, and noone knows if there is something after that. The truth is that I hope not. Don't even bother pulling a soul from my body when I die universe. Just let it rot here, and let it have some peace for once.

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